wanna cry, BUT I SHOULD NOT!!!

for all these times, im just living under illusions, im NEVER your first
所有這一切的時間中，我只是生活在幻想裏，我始終從來都不是你的第一個·········

the ONLY thing you would say (NOT EVEN A COMFORT): we view things differently
all these times, im just telling myself, it would be a waste of time if i go and meet you during weekend
this helps me to feel better and indeed i should put more heart for God, for it's MORE worth it!!!
yeah....you try to be a GOOD PERSON!!! and i dun need to, BUT i would make a choice for important one......
i guess IM NEVER YOUR MOST IMPORTANT ONE, and i could imagine what you would reply....
God should be our focus!!! HOW I HATE THIS!!!! if so THEN YOU DUN REALLY NEED TO HAVE RELATIONSHIP WITH ME.......then we could be DONE!
no one should need any other then.....then why should we have marriage? why should we have couples??? ALL THESE SHOULD GO TO NOTHING!!!..sigh
keep telling myself im okay....im okay.....it would be a waste, and im okay.............

AWHILE

it's been awhile to type sth here, ever since Xanga was being told on, im afraid of writing any blogs
there's no one i could really open up @ seminary.......>< sigh
whenever Elder Lau is back to seminary....there would be no peace in me.....
i cant really see him as my spiritual father.....i dun think he likes me either.......=T
Y really likes him....im just always living under illusions.....all i have been doing is to deceive myself ALL THESE TIMES......sigh....
Where should i be? where should i go? where should i end? where do i belong really?
would there be a place for me to be accepted? Would there be a place where i could NO LONGER NEED TO HIDE?
Lord......am i really a BAD SEED? am i really that self-centred? am i really that UN-loving? am i really that.......uncaring??............

sigh.....

"Intimacy between people requires closeness as well as distance. It is like dancing. Sometimes we are very close, touching each other or holding each other; sometimes we move away from each other and let the space between us become an area where we can freely move.

To keep the right balance between closeness and distance requires hard work, especially since the needs of the partners may be quite different at a given moment. One might desire closeness while the other wants distance. One might want to be held while the other looks for independence. A perfect balance seldom occurs, but the honest and open search for that balance can give birth to a beautiful dance, worthy to behold." -Henri Nouwen

im a TOTAL FAILURE....IM ALWAYS WRONG......

WHATZ WRONG WITH ME???

Ever since the second year of seminary life started.....i cried almost EVERY DAY!!!!
我不禁問自己，我是不是真的那麼經不起別人的責罵？給人說教一下都不行？
but i dunno why.....whenever it's Sam's turn to speak to me, i felt really hurtful.....
and again i question myself if i always deny my wrongs.....NEVER admitting.....
just say ALL these are true.....then WHY AM I LIKE THIS? whatz WRONG with me actually?
finally today....i went to see a 中.....he's a Catholics.....and even he's a Catholics, he seems to have a good faith...
BUT anyway it's TOO early to make the conclusion.......however, he seems to quite okay....
AND he, being a stranger to me, just met me the first time, already he noticed that i lost my joy for long....
LORD i know this is NOT supposed to be so.....BUT what can i do????

ALONE

now i finally need to admit that im alone in seminary!!! some may say....you have Samuel with you
Samuel is with you then you will be fine.....He is your boyfriend, he would support you!
to me.....he's no longer the one.......yea maybe he's my boyfriend, BUT now i realize it's just for the title....
for me, im like a virus to him, i have bad influence......after all these years, only my brother is the most reliable man.....
he would rebuke me for sure.....i would listen to him....but of course sometimes im heated too.....sigh =T
these days, i forced myself to have regular three meals.....and im determined to do it for seminary years....
BUT....during weekend i dun wanna eat anymore......even i may feel hungry.....but i WONT!!!
whenever im back to HK, my digestive system is such a mess, i couldnt go to washroom for poos....><

and today...the food.....they are really oily, the soup was TOO salty.,....
sorry i complained a lot, BUT I COULD ONLY DO IT HERE!!! please let me have this tiny freedom then.....

my fault........again!!

i will still write sth here whether there are people reading or not.....
SO IT'S MY FAULT......AGAIN!!!! if i really make you upset, we can just broke up indeed, and yet you would again be upset if i said that....
today as i was talking to Auntie Margaret, she told me to cherish this relationship since God allowed this to start.....
after talking to her, i thought i could overcome lots of things.....but JUST now......it's nothing anymore.....
i also reflected.....was it im NOT tolerant nor patient anymore? to him, i know i appear like that...
but the more he said that, the more hurt i felt.....i really didnt intend to cry or break down.....BUT....i guess i failed eventually!!
sometimes what i said was just 氣話, i didnt really mean it!!! but i guess he didnt realize that and take them for real....
whenever there's interaction with him, the uglier i see in myself!! it's just like the more i am with him, the more monster-like i am....
PERHAPS.......i should keep walking ON MY OWN.....so that i wont BOTH physically or emotionally dragging anyone down.....
what am i to do??? what can i change?? and if i cant really change.....this relationship is gonna be die and over....
BUT SOMEHOW i just KEPT FAILING AND FAILING, @ the same mistakes....it's just the same feeling i always have in seminary.......
sorry i couldnt support you so that you dun have any worries......thatz why i thought of disappearing more often now...
why should i still exist??? maybe it's better to forget about me, like i never exist before.......T^T

just wanna..........

just wanna be accepted as who i am........just that....always got picked....of course i know its hard to have someone to be true with me....
However......sometimes i just wanna be LOVED as being who i am.....even though i am indeed bad and rotten from within and without......
Except from God, i thought i already found it......BUT i guess now.....

Sometimes......

sometimes.....sometimes.....

would you understand??? ......sigh.............

....sigh

Yesterday was my FIRST TIME preaching @ CLBC, with David and Paul fellowship.....
shared on 1 John, wanna express the love of God....BUT i did such horrible job.....im really frustrated on myself.....
i dun even know how to face them anymore......im a failure........sigh...........sigh
but.....Dennis still talked to me, Jon also......i guess.....they would find me.......a phoney......
just came back from the Church's picnic today......year after year.....less and less people go....@ least less people from our own church!!
i enjoyed every single moment....no matter what, they are the people whom i really care....|
during group activity, i was in the same team as Dawson and Tim Tim.....once when Dawson was out...Tim seemed to be a bit upset
so i said, "Hey Tim i could play with you haha you wanna come?" Tim shook his head, "No...."
so i pretended to be sad, "oh....>< you dun like me......" then Tim said, "well i sorta like you, but you're never my teacher"
then i exclaimed, "i WAS your teacher before, and was the assistant remember?" Tim said in a funny face, "OH YEAH...!!"
haha really enjoyed talking with them......but felt a bit distant too.....i felt a bit im an outsider....
BUT good thing is, i have Sam, i guess after ALL these arguments and stuff, they really teach me how to interact with him =3 i hope time will just stop and stays like this forever....

i guess i shouldnt really continue in this path

today i was commented by someone who is close to me that MY SERMONS ARE WASTED........=T
it really broke my heart.....to be honest, even until now my heart still aches.......T^T

and im really afraid of preaching now.....its really without strength.....i guess......God dun wanna use me anymore......

im....nothing

to you......im just nothing right?.........sigh.........=T

changed........

Revisit this site after a year already.....forgot about this blog...as i always use xanga.....many things have changed.....and i know.....my heart grew weaker....>< sigh....
maybe my determination is weaker now....or am i becoming more fragile?? how come i am NOT as strong and independent as before?