sigh.....

"Intimacy between people requires closeness as well as distance. It is like dancing. Sometimes we are very close, touching each other or holding each other; sometimes we move away from each other and let the space between us become an area where we can freely move.

To keep the right balance between closeness and distance requires hard work, especially since the needs of the partners may be quite different at a given moment. One might desire closeness while the other wants distance. One might want to be held while the other looks for independence. A perfect balance seldom occurs, but the honest and open search for that balance can give birth to a beautiful dance, worthy to behold." -Henri Nouwen

im a TOTAL FAILURE....IM ALWAYS WRONG......

WHATZ WRONG WITH ME???

Ever since the second year of seminary life started.....i cried almost EVERY DAY!!!!
我不禁問自己，我是不是真的那麼經不起別人的責罵？給人說教一下都不行？
but i dunno why.....whenever it's Sam's turn to speak to me, i felt really hurtful.....
and again i question myself if i always deny my wrongs.....NEVER admitting.....
just say ALL these are true.....then WHY AM I LIKE THIS? whatz WRONG with me actually?
finally today....i went to see a 中.....he's a Catholics.....and even he's a Catholics, he seems to have a good faith...
BUT anyway it's TOO early to make the conclusion.......however, he seems to quite okay....
AND he, being a stranger to me, just met me the first time, already he noticed that i lost my joy for long....
LORD i know this is NOT supposed to be so.....BUT what can i do????

ALONE

now i finally need to admit that im alone in seminary!!! some may say....you have Samuel with you
Samuel is with you then you will be fine.....He is your boyfriend, he would support you!
to me.....he's no longer the one.......yea maybe he's my boyfriend, BUT now i realize it's just for the title....
for me, im like a virus to him, i have bad influence......after all these years, only my brother is the most reliable man.....
he would rebuke me for sure.....i would listen to him....but of course sometimes im heated too.....sigh =T
these days, i forced myself to have regular three meals.....and im determined to do it for seminary years....
BUT....during weekend i dun wanna eat anymore......even i may feel hungry.....but i WONT!!!
whenever im back to HK, my digestive system is such a mess, i couldnt go to washroom for poos....><

and today...the food.....they are really oily, the soup was TOO salty.,....
sorry i complained a lot, BUT I COULD ONLY DO IT HERE!!! please let me have this tiny freedom then.....