Re-cap

soo funny, yesterday Sam and i wore the EXACT SAME colour for shirt....it's purple....hahaa

i found that its really funny AND.....SWEET....dunno if he thinks the same

anyway......these few weeks wasnt too happy @ work @ all.....>< ....

now.,,Anna made me write those review sheets before i submitted the folders.....she thinks i didnt do thorough analysis before i submitted to her.......

i feel really frustrated.......all she thinks is that IM NOT CAPABLE.... and i know.....

i felt like im a failure........sigh.....every day when i am @ work.....this INTENSE FAILURE MOOD really surrounds me.....

others she would praise them.....i dun think i can smile anymore.,,,,,,,sigh sometimes its just no method to analysis

however, the core of ALL these....i wonder if it is the punishment of God to me....

because i know i am NOT godly nor holy.......i really wanna get close to God, but i always fail to read more Bible or pray.......

cant help but think

Sam Sam always told me that IM TOO SKINNY he wants me to be fatter

BUT then this means he STILL likes his ex-gf then....? even since i know who she is.....i kept feeling self-abased....

she's PRETTIER than me......and she is also FATTER than me which Samuel really likes....

this really makes me feel like he doesnt forget her @ ALL!!!!................sigh DEPRESSED

first revisit to clbc

Sunday April 19, 2015

Ever since Oct, 2014, I haven't gone back to clbc
But today I went back for the first time with Sam and Mr. Mark.....
It's joyful to see the kids again...ended up all three of us ate lunch with Brian and Ar Lou
We chatted for a great time and then we went to Scarborough Town centre
Then went to Williams house for a bit chat then home
Indeed it's eventful, thinking about the past a bit....
Anyway just having mixed feelings

過大禮

Today Sam and his parents came to my home @ around 10:40am to 過大禮 =P
However, im a bit blue........

Contradiction.......

When im too concentrated on how I could please Sam, I'd forget my own sadness a bit
I realized he DID bring K. C. to his now-Toronto home........
I REALLY have mixed feelings....on my saddest day, I promised myself I won't go to his home ANYMORE...
YET im the one who suggested yesterday to go to his home.....wanting to please him....
Sigh I shouldn't think too much I know and I know I'd promised Sam that ill forget......

Definition of First Love

ever since i learnt of "THAT".............i couldnt help but think about the definition of first love
so..i searched online for different ones, and found one as the following: "first love would be someone that you felt true love with..doesn't necessarily have to be your first bf/gf, just someone u think u have a real connection"; "First love does not have to be your first gf/bf. It's someone you have a real intense connection with. It consists the feeling of depth when having the simpliest of conversations. You remember the setting, time, place, and sometimes even what you wore and said to that person. I believe first love is reminiscing the touch, feel and the emotions when she says "i love you" and you felt 100 percent positive it was meant for you. Just memories of happiness and laughter"; ""
for sure Sam is my first love....BUT i wonder if he ALSO considers me as his first love.............
OR...................... he thinks Karina Chan is his first love instead..........sigh ><

STILL LINGER IN MY MIND

Back from the Youth Group Retreat.....did lots of things =P
reconciled with sam but i still feel a bit empty or broken within me.....
i keep telling myself to forget his past........to love him.........and he said he wanna marry me.....
LORD pray that i would forget everything..............the past cannot be changed..........

DOWN IN A PIT

Thursday April 9, 2015

Rate of Mood: DOWN IN A PIT

Discovered the.....postponed truth.......or maybe i confirmed at last......

my primary's school classmate, Lam Yik Ning, always posted photos with his gf on fb

and they would show up in my news feed on fb......and a year ago, i rolled over his gf's name, i found out we had Samuel Li and Joanne as common friend....
at that time, i sorta guessed that maybe she's his ex-girlfriend.....and today i confirmed that it is....
when i saw their INTIMATE photo together, i really cried out......couldnt explain and my heart really felt a bit painful....
and for that day i really dun wanna talk to Sam........i knew i shouldnt be like that......i should forget...

but that photo just engraved on my mind.....i cried sooo much.....sigh........he was so happy back then....

i couldnt help but think that he would be better off with her than with me.......

and this also lets me see how he is also like the rest of the men........only get pretty girls........

and i was sooo upset that his ex-girlfriend is SOO MUCH PRETTIER than me....

i have NOTHING.....NOTHING...........NOTHING @ ALL that is better than her......
i know im very selfish......unlike Sam....im calculative..............always bad, and plus IM UGLY.....

nothing........good is in me indeed.......LORD am i truly............? ....sigh..............