HAPPY =3

today went to movie with PIG PIG heehee =3 we watched "Into the Woods"
didnt expect to see him this long heehee =3

Christmas Eve

so it's Christmas Eve now.....

on Monday Dec 22, 2014, we went to Pastor Wong's for a mini gathering
i really like the atmosphere.....and i see how i was so bad tho.....
am i really that bad to mom and geoff? sigh.....
its really complicated.........i always wanna spend more time with mom
but the truth is that in some way i try to avoid being with her....for afraid of being criticized by her....
but when im alone and reflect on my own.......i wish i could do more for them......

whatz wrong?

sigh....>< whatz wrong with all my designs for christmas card?

ANXIOUS.....

.........perhaps.....God thinks im NOT ready.....

.........perhaps......even Samuel ALSO thinks that......
that.....im NO GOOD MARRIAGE MATERIAL.....
people are better without me........right??
........perhaps.......its the punishment for my sins........
even i wanna punish myself......... 

NOT FORGET

i will not forget one piece chapter 572-574.......
i dunno....but sometimes when i read that and reflected.....
im really selfish ehh...? why cant i be like them?

Elijah's Life Camp

this year i joined the life camp held by the Elijah fellowship.....haha
the venue is @ Elim Lodge, such comfortable environment, and it brought back lots of memories....
i enjoyed the time with these people, without the burden of being condemned.....without being judged....

NO MORE

and yes.....finally its ALL finished......just on the surface tho......
there are so many undercurrents.......i dun like the adults in church now....
especially the deacons and their family, Fiona, the leaders.....sigh....
if i dun smile, they already interpret me as having temper......sigh.....think as you like then...

its NOT even a week

sigh.......everything is an end already......for a long time, i hadnt had that much spaces...
just this Monday, i again ate lunch with Jennifer Leung, after all, a good buddy she was
again we chatted for 5 years, talked about a lot of things.....again i told her about Sam and i in detail
mention it how we started.......again, deeply felt how God really brought us together!!
even though now a lot of people would think im the unspiritual one, who make Sam unspiritual too....
@ least........with this time's event, i knew who's my true friends or not.....who wants to see me fall.....
with the painting yesterday.....i painted 5 hours straight......the motivation moved me to do it is that....i just simply wanna make my mom feel happy
and this again reminds me.....many things are actually simple......this is what God wants me to have for Him.....=]

....its....done....and it's over....

today is the last day of services......i guess....there wont be another chances.....
i really pray that i will not give myself up hopefully......i do hope that....
but i really dun wanna care much anymore.....im smiling on the outside, DYING on the inside
no one cares......ehhh??? i really miss you.....><.............

........gone.....

sigh......so he's gone........>< i dunno what it would be for these two weeks!!!
and especially with my bad relationship with mom.....thatz really.....sad......sigh....

feeling a bit angry

Originally i was gonna not having much negative views on E.L after the talk with Fiona on Wednesday dinner....
However....i felt angry for what its said in the email....i would never forget.......

if others choose to disobey you, its NOT me who could do that........><

i just wanna be included and accepted and.....feeling that im NOT TRASH!!
why am i always wrong?? being rebuked by EVERYONE....?

WALLS.....

Now two years of seminary have been passed.........and i have already decided NOT to continue my schooling in Elder Lau's church anymore.....
and IM ALL ALONE.....even Samuel made the same decision, he is always the blessed one....the favoured one.......EVERYONE STILL ACCEPTS HIM!!!


Never feel this lonely this much!! Even though i have a boyfriend, even we BOTH believe in God, i felt that NO ONE ever understands me.......
AND this is NOT the first time......i felt exactly the SAME last year too....
and its like im always the bad one....even my mom thinks that im stubborn, NOT willing to listen to others......ALL THESE WORDS are like DAGGERS to me.....
yet i could only ignore........im really contradictory........and its contradicting......

FOR ME....ALL I WANT is to be included and accepted